'Best Comeback Response of the Year'? Can you top it?

From Brownell's, a "Wish I'd said that" line which they labeled the best of the year.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
An e-mail from John Hornby

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... Q: "Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer - who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

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The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Can you top that?

Are you sane? A short self-evaluation test for sanity

Stolen whole hog from the Brownell's February newsletter:

A Little Self-Evaluation Test
Meg Ruzek, our Head of HR Department
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines whether a patient should be institutionalized or not. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the water out of the tub."

"Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket?"

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket since it is larger than the teacup or spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull out the stopper."

So how did you do?

How to get audited by the IRS and make a profit

How 'bout a little humor to start your day, stolen whole hog from Brownell's newsletter:

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

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The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Say thank you. You're welcome.