What to do and say after the brown stuff hits the fan -- if you survive

Suppose the worst happens and you have to shoot somebody to protect your own life or the lives of your loved ones -- or even a complete stranger you see in deadly peril.

What then? What should you do, what should you say and how should you say it? And when should you shut up? The first thing you should do is dial 911 on your cell phone and report the incident to the authorities.

Even if no shots are fired, if you have to draw your concealed weapon, you should call 911 to report the incident. If you don't, you can bet the would-be robber who changed his mind is dialing 911 as he runs away, screaming some madman just pulled a gun on him! Police assume the first caller to report an incident is the victim, so if you don't call, you could be suddenly surrounded by police demanding that you drop your weapon and surrender. Call first.

Here's some good advice from an article by K.L. Jamison in Concealed Carry Report.

The first words out of the caller’s mouth should be the location of the incident. If the battery then dies, or the minutes run out, or some other technological catastrophe occurs the authorities will know that something of interest is at that location, and the caller’s cell phone records can prove that he or she made the call. The next statement is the caller’s name.

The core of the 911 call consists of three sentences:
“He tried to kill me.”
“I was never so scared in my life.”
“Send an ambulance.”

The first sentence serves to introduce the roles of the parties, the caller is the victim, the other person the attacker. Being in reasonable fear of life or limb is a prerequisite to acting in self-defense. The phrase “I was never so scared…” is to preclude the prosecutor from claiming that the citizen never said he was scared “until he talked to a lawyer.”

The phrase “Send an ambulance” says that the caller does not want anyone to die.
When the police arrive, they will want a more elaborate statement; this should consist only of:

1. He attacked me.
2. I will sign a complaint.
3. There is the evidence.
4. I WANT A LAWYER.

And if you can't manage to say anything else to police or when calling 911, say "I was in fear for my life!"

If you have any trouble after that explaining the situation, fall back on a one-word vocabulary, "Lawyer!" You can get in a lot of trouble by saying too much or too little, but it will never hurt to shut up and say "Lawyer!"

Never ask a question unless you already know the right answer

In the category of lawyers should never ask a witness a question they don't already know the answer to, I stole this gem from Brownell's Just Jawin'

In a trial, a Southern small town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, ! I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "Neither of you guys had better ask her if she knows me."

Now let me tell you one of my daddy's favorite stories. His father was a fox-hunting buddy of the prosecuting attorney for Richmond County, the late Elsie Webb. My grandfather was testifying as a character witness for a defendant who was being prosecuted by Webb in court.

After testifying what a fine man the defendant was, Webb cross-examined my grandfather.

"Mr. Myers, are you a drinking man?" Webb asked.

"Yes, I take a drink now and then," my grandfather answered.

"When was the last time you had a drink, Mr. Myers?" Webb asked.

"I'd rather not say," my grandfather replied.

"Well you're sworn in as a witness and you gotta say. So when was it?" Webb shot back.

"Well, if you insist," my grandfather replied. "It was last night while we was fox-hunting and you handed me the pint bottle from your back pocket."

"Come down, Mr. Myers, no more questions," Webb concluded hastily.

'Best Comeback Response of the Year'? Can you top it?

From Brownell's, a "Wish I'd said that" line which they labeled the best of the year.

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR
An e-mail from John Hornby

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility... Q: "Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer - who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Kinks T-Shirt

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Can you top that?