Top 10 Funniest Country Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. Dropkick Me Jesus Through The Goal Posts of Life

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Funniest Country Song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long

I stole this list from Ace. My personal favorite as a gun nut is number 7. And I’ve quoted number 4 on occasion when I was feeling a bit low.

Actually, “Dropkick Me Jesus” is the only one I’m sure is a real song. But the rest of them oughta be. And there’s one left off this list.

If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?

I’ve heard that one so I know it’s real. Another real one is “Dead Skunk In The Middle Of The Road” by Loudon Wainwright III. If memory serves (and frequently it don’t) I think The Beatles included a line from that one on their White Album, right after “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”

And no list of funny country songs is complete without mention of David Allen Coe, who sings The Ultimate Country Song, which includes drinking, mama, trains, rain, trucks and prison all in one verse. Coe’s sorta like a cross between Hank Jr. and ZZ Top, both drunk and stoned. Here it is:

Well, I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison

And I went to pick her up in the rain

But before I could get to the station in my pickup truck

She got runned over by a damned old train

And then there’s Merle Haggard’s best bar song, “Think I’ll Just Sit Right Here And Drank.” (Yep, Merle don’t sing “drink,” he sings “drank” which is present tense for drunk in Southern Redneck. If the Hag ain’t a genuine redneck, there ain’t none.) Feel free to add your favorites to the list.

There probably ought to be George Jones tune or two on the list, but his drinking songs really aren’t funny. He was always a real serious drunk.